A Modest Proposal

(I wrote this back in 2007. It’s pretty freakin’ scary that it all still applies, except that the population of India, China and Africa has risen enough to demand some adjustments to the numbers, but they’re presented here as originally written. This is where pure logic and strict materialism leads: Beware, for there monsters lurk. Links not guaranteed to function.)

I well realize that this will come a shock, a terrible surprise of outrageous proportions; but…

Al Gore is right.

The Assault on Reason has put Live Earth in the Balance, and The Sky is Falling. Literally. Just yesterday it was hot, very hot, at my house. Al is also correct that merely cutting the electricity bill at your pool house or using a smaller private jet are not enough–things have already Gone Too Far, though of course There is Still Time. “I Demand that my country join an international treaty within the next two years that cuts global warming pollution by 90 percent in developed countries and by more than half worldwide in time for the next generation to inherit a healthy earth.”

Dude, driving a Prius to Whole Foods ain’t going to do it. Recycling the nine little bottles of Evian that you drink everyday instead of the clean tap water provided to you, ain’t going to do it. Cutting down to two trips a year to Lake Como, using one square of toilet paper, buying carbon offsets from Al Gore’s company, none of it is going to produce the results that are needed.

Yes indeed, only results count, good intentions are nothing, and in a crisis like Global Climate Change one must be bold, one must think Outside the Box, and, especially, one must not be afraid to offend bourgeois sensibilities. I have given the problem careful consideration, I have the answer that fits, that works, and now the only impediment to Saving the Planet is finding the political and moral resolve to implement my solution.

The problem, as is well known, is people. Selfish people, who want electricity and cars and computers and houses and air conditioning and McDonald’s. The people who have these things are a problem, and the billions who don’t have them but want them, in China and India and Africa and elsewhere, are an even bigger problem.

The solution then, is simply less people. And so,

A Modest Proposal:

The population of Earth is to be cut from the 6.8 billion or so currently producing Dangerous Greenhouse Gases to a manageable 680 million, or a reduction of 90 percent; this will presumably reach Al Gore’s goal of a 90 percent reduction in “global warming pollution” and save the Planet and its Fragile Ecosystems. This winnowing to take place by scientific selection of those who have something to contribute to the World Ecofriendly Socialist State, and those whom will be Sacrificed for the Common Good.

It will of course take a Committee of Concerned Scientists to make a proper selection of the individuals who will have to go, but if I may, I have some preliminary suggestions that could assist these worthies in their difficult but necessary task. Firstly, China and India are way overpopulated and have between them literally billions of folks who now aspire to a better life for themselves and their children. And we know all too well that Better Life=Greenhouse Gas Pollution. I humbly suggest that no country should have more than 100 million people, and that any country that does is using more than its Fair Share of resources. So the Committee will scientifically select 2.3 billion Chinese and Indians to be, err, reduced. Other Asian countries can contribute 800 million or so, proportional to current population. Russia is depopulating itself nicely already, but speed is of the essence here. Since crude oil and its spawn is the most evil thing ever “invented,” the Middle East and nearby oil-producing regions could be completely “cleaned out” and turned into pristine Desert Ecosystem Preserves. Running total: about 3.8 billion. Only 2.3 billion more to reach our Goal of a Cool Planet.

Africa–790 million, or a proportional 90 percent, seems a reasonable, sane number for reduction–especially when you consider that they’re all going to want climate control, and houses to go with it, in the next 50 years. This will also allow the Rain Forests and all that CO2-reducing vegetation to grow back over the farms those selfish Africans cleared just because they wanted something to eat. For that matter, the whole Indian Ocean Area ought to be completely depopulated–all those lovely tropical islands need to go back to jungle to breath CO2. Only 1.1 billion to go!

Europe is hopelessly industrialized and hasn’t even met it’s targets under Kyoto–90 percent of the population gone and the forest will grow back; maybe lions will even return to England! South America should just be turned into a Nature preserve, as well–letting it all go back to rain forest will only require say, a million people to manage the forests. Only 400 million more need to trimmed. We can do this!

There are only 32 million Australians, and I have a soft spot for them, but saving the world is no time for sentiment; their little contribution of 29 million leaves about 370 million to come from the Great Satan of carbon emitters, North America. After Mexico and Canada have made their modest reductions of 98 and 30 million respectively, i reckon that about 252 million Americans must be Sacrificed for the Greater Good. Some might protest that America is getting more than its fair share of survivors, but the world does need a few people to invent, develop and fine-tune “renewables” like solar cells and wind power generators, and it just so happens that the U.S. is the leader in R&D and technological know how in these areas. So which Americans will have to die, that the Planet May Live?

First Hollywood–if all the “stars” are gone, untold greenhouse gas pollution produced in heating and cooling their mansions and fueling their private jets will be saved. Also, no paparazzi will race around Beverly Hills trying to take their pictures, saving even more fuel. The entertainment industry is a huge polluter just by existing, what with car chases, celluloid, burning stuff for fireman movies, etc., etc. In fact, I think the wise choice would be to just depopulate the entire L.A. Basin–no, small thinking. Let’s just say–California. Except for the solar panel designers and builders. Next every American environmentalist, from Al Gore on down to the shrillest hippie in in Sedona, AZ needs to go. They understand the evil of human life better than most of us, so I think it natural that they sacrifice their own evil first, for the greater good. Then, the obese, the ill, the old and the defenseless. They’re not going to be contributing much to the New World Environmental Order, so logic, pure logic, tells us how to get to our goal. And now we’ve reached the Nirvana we were looking for, a 90 percent reduction in Greenhouse Gas Pollution.

While some may recoil at the killing involved in my little plan, well, the best modern scholars at our finest American Universities have proved, beyond doubt, that we humans are just collections of chemicals organized in such a way that we have an illusion of consciousness. We’re not some kind of Divine Spark with a touch of God, who’s just an Illusion of our illusory consciousness, so let’s get over ourselves and get on with the job.

The best precedent for this Modest Proposal, in my enlightened view, is the legal killing of millions of unborn babies over the last 35 or so years right here in America, so that the mother might continue her education or not have stretch marks or because she didn’t plan it or for any reason she wants, I suppose. Al Gore’s plan to Save the World is much, much more important than such petty personal concerns, and really, are the numbers all that much greater? One death is a tragedy, six billion would be a triumph of enlightened leadership!

It’s the Right Thing to Do, For the Planet, For the Future, for the collections of chemicals with illusions of consciousness to come. I want to see some initiative from Al and the Hollywood crowd and the Greenpeace crowd. The hemlock is waiting.


1 thought on “A Modest Proposal

  1. Pingback: A Modest Proposal | Reaction Times

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